.esreveR

Sometimes all I can do is think about moving forward. What's next? Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? Tomorrow for that matter. Sometimes people ask, if you could take back anything what would it be? Or, they ask about regrets. My barely post-adolescent brain that's still idealistic tells me to live without regret, and usually I can. Don't think about the past, think about the future and the direction you're going. Of course, you should remember where you came from, but you would never go backwards in a progressive, forward thinking kind of world would you? Sometimes you don't realize how important going in reverse can be until the little R on your shifter suddenly means... nothing.

P
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is everything.

Its a bit drafty out.

I'm standing in the kitchen making some breakfast at 2:30pm and I realized that so much of my life feels like a rough draft. I'm trying out some ideas and when they don't work or its not as easy as I expected, I scrap it and start over. A new topic, a new direction and probably a little overthinking. Then it happens again. It feels like 3am the night before a paper is due and suddenly I realize that I don't have anything done for it. But what is it that's due? I don't even think I remember the assignment. Shoot, now I'm questioning myself.

You know when you're cooking a fried egg and the pan is too hot and there are those nasty little brown edges that aren't really crunchy and aren't really chewy, just somewhere disgusting between the two? And since the pan was too hot either the yolk is overcooked as well, or the white is still gooey and mucus-like. Its too bad there aren't more important things in the world to be concerned about.

$200 for passing GO. That what it feels like. You wake up, pass by a few places that are yours and then people who seem friendly but are really trying to screw you and eventually you pass go and get your $200. Its cyclical and a bit cynical. Sometimes its fun... when you're winning. But then either you or people around you get screwed really bad. Then it isn't so much fun. But its supposed to be a game right? Is it okay to keep playing when there is career making/blowing backstabbing taking place? Obviously this isn't about the game anymore. It's serious. People are getting hurt. What should I do? Can I do anything? I'm comfortable with Marvin Gardens and the railroads though...

Switchfoot has a song called Company Car and one of the lines says, "I've become one with the ones that I've never believed in." I think it's a song about dissonance and knowing that we are meant for something more. Then one day we realize it, but we have a company car and we're winning monopoly. But for what? Is our soul worth it? Shouldn't we live for things that matter and not the system?

A friend of mine, Anne Lamott, says in her book Plan B: Further thoughts on grace, "Be where your butt is and breathe." (Btw, Anne doesn't know I exist, but we've had a lot of conversations in coffee shops over the months it took me to finish the book). I forget so much just to slow down and take a breath, to be where my butt is and breathe for a minute. Maybe this is a point in my life that is so significant and important to what is next that it feels like its going to take forever. Like maple syrup on the kitchen counter. Its sticky and it feels like its going to take forever to clean up, but in the end, your counter will be clean and something magical can happen. For now, there just seems to be a lot of maple syrup.